"Am I a Sex Addict?"
This question comes up often in my sessions. It’s a question I’ve asked myself, too, and it took me years to answer in a way that feels whole and honest. The term “sex addiction” gets thrown around frequently, both in therapy and in the media, but I believe it often misses the point. When people ask me if they’re a sex addict, it’s usually because they’ve been carrying around feelings of shame, confusion, or guilt about their sexual behaviours—behaviours that might seem compulsive or out of control but are often coping mechanisms for deeper emotional pain.
I’ve seen in my work that sex addiction is not about a simple, mindless need for more sex. It’s usually a reflection of unmet emotional needs, needs like control, connection, and the desire to release pain that’s been building up. The behaviours—whether it’s compulsive sex, masturbation, or even blacking out and having sex with strangers—are not about seeking pleasure for pleasure’s sake. More often than not, these behaviours are survival strategies. They’re ways we try to fill an emotional void or regain control over situations where we’ve felt powerless or helpless.
The traditional solutions, like those offered by Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), suggest abstaining from sex entirely in order to “fix” the problem. And while abstinence might be a useful short-term strategy for some, it doesn’t address the root causes of these behaviours. We can’t stop having sex forever—it’s a fundamental part of who we are. Sex isn’t just about the physical act; it’s interwoven with our emotional and spiritual selves. In my experience, sex can be a powerful tool for healing, a way to reclaim our bodies, release pain, and reconnect with our deeper sense of self.
The Wisdom of the Body: Sex Addiction Recovery Through the Healing Power of Sex
Our bodies have an innate wisdom, one that often gets overlooked. When we experience trauma, the body may respond by seeking out sexual experiences in an attempt to regain control, find release, or simply feel alive. Sexuality, in this sense, is not the enemy—it’s the way our body tries to solve the problem. It’s how the body tries to reassert control and restore balance, even in chaotic situations. Rather than seeing this drive as something to suppress or abstain from, I see it as a tool for healing—a way to work with the body’s natural drive to restore order.
The challenge is not to repress or give up sex but to work with that natural drive to heal. By embracing sexuality as part of the healing process, we can begin to use it as a way to explore and release trauma, reclaim control over our bodies, and rebuild trust in ourselves. The goal isn’t abstinence but integration—learning how to engage with our sexual energy consciously and in a way that supports our healing journey.
Control in the Chaos
Now, you may be wondering, what happens when we’re not in control? When we’re blacking out and going home with strangers or losing ourselves in a sexual encounter that feels more like an escape than an expression of agency? Even in these moments, there’s a need for control at play. It may not feel like it at the time, but these behaviours are still driven by the body’s attempt to reclaim power when we feel vulnerable, disconnected, or out of control.
The drive for control in these behaviours is not a flaw or something to be ashamed of—it’s an intelligent response to trauma. When we’ve experienced pain, such as abuse or neglect, it can feel like our bodies and minds are left without options. We didn’t have control over the painful things that happened to us, and that loss of control can create a deep sense of fear and instability. Over time, when faced with overwhelming emotions or situations that stir up that old sense of powerlessness, the body may turn to sex—not out of a desire for pleasure, but as a way to regain control.
Take, for example, someone who grew up in an environment where they couldn’t protect themselves from harm—where the world felt unsafe and unpredictable. As an adult, they may engage in risky sexual behaviours, not because they are seeking pleasure but because this gives them the illusion of control over something in their life. In these moments, they are reclaiming something they couldn’t control before. The chaos of these behaviours is actually an attempt to create safety—to take charge of an experience that once felt out of their reach.
In a sense, the body is trying to rewrite the story—to say, “I can control this part of my life, even if I couldn’t control the harm before.” It’s not about moral failure. It’s about survival—about trying to find a way to feel empowered in a world that once made us feel small or helpless. These behaviours are not the problem but a response to the problem, and by understanding them with compassion, we can start to heal.
This is why abstinence—while helpful for some in the short term—doesn’t address the deeper emotional wounds driving the behaviours. It treats the symptom but not the cause. True healing involves using the body’s natural drive as a tool for transformation, not repression.
Loneliness and Cognitive Dissonance in Addiction
Loneliness is a core factor in addiction, but it’s more than just the absence of others. It’s a profound sense of emotional disconnection, whether from others or even from ourselves. When we don’t feel truly seen or understood—especially in the most formative years of our lives—this disconnection can become an overwhelming ache that we don’t know how to soothe. In these moments, we may seek out quick fixes, like compulsive sex or dissociative sexual encounters, as a way to feel something, to momentarily fill the void. These behaviours provide a temporary escape, but they don’t address the root cause: the deep, unmet need for connection, validation, and emotional intimacy that has been left unhealed.
Addiction, including sex addiction, often leads to what we call cognitive dissonance—an inner conflict where two opposing beliefs or emotions exist simultaneously. On one hand, there’s a craving for intense sexual experiences, while on the other, there’s an overwhelming sense of shame, confusion, or guilt about those desires. This creates a constant internal struggle, which is only intensified by society’s victim-blaming narratives, which make it harder to reconcile the pleasure with the pain or the need with the shame.
As Judith Herman explores in Trauma and Recovery, survivors of trauma experience a profound disconnection—from themselves, from others, and from the world around them. This disconnection manifests in feelings of shame and confusion, which can lead us to seek out unhealthy coping mechanisms like compulsive sex as a way to reconnect or feel alive. However, unless we address the deeper trauma and emotional needs that underpin these behaviours, the cycle of addiction will persist, reinforcing the very feelings of disconnection that initially fueled it.
A Holistic, Integrated Approach
Healing from sex addiction or any compulsive behaviour is not about merely stopping the behaviour. It’s about understanding the whole person—the mind, body, spirit, and energy—and reconnecting with all of who we are. This journey involves rediscovering our bodies, our desires, and our emotional needs in ways that honour the wisdom we carry within us. By working with these parts of ourselves, we move toward transforming pain into healing and pleasure—not by repressing or avoiding, but by integrating and embracing all parts of our experience.
Cognitive and Psyche-Oriented Therapies:
We begin by exploring the stories we tell ourselves, particularly the ones shaped by shame, guilt, or self-doubt. These are often the narratives we’ve internalised from our past, from society, or from the messages we’ve received. Through practices like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and narrative therapy, we can begin to shift these stories, replacing shame with self-compassion and guilt with understanding. An intersectional feminist approach also allows us to see how societal power dynamics—such as gender norms and cultural expectations—can shape how we experience pleasure, pain, and self-worth.
Exploring Desires, Fantasies, and Kinks:
Instead of suppressing or shaming desires, we explore them. We dive deep into our fantasies, kinks, and fetishes, recognising that they are often connected to past experiences and hold valuable insights into our emotional worlds. These aspects of ourselves are not something to be ashamed of, but something to understand and work with. Practices like BDSM, when used consciously, can offer profound opportunities for reclaiming agency, expressing boundaries, and releasing trauma in a safe, respectful environment.
Somatic Therapy:
I believe trauma is not just something we experience mentally—it’s something that gets stored in the body. Our body remembers what our minds may try to forget. In somatic therapy, we work to release this stored trauma, helping the nervous system process the overwhelm it has carried for so long. By learning to regulate arousal, create safety in the body, and shift from survival mode to a state of presence and healing, we restore a sense of safety and agency.
Energetic Practices:
Sexual energy is not just physical—it’s energetic. Tantric practices allow us to work with this sexual energy in ways that are grounded, aligned, and intentional. By connecting to our body’s energy, we can reclaim our power, and instead of seeking escape or disconnection, we find a more conscious, intentional engagement with our sexuality. These practices help us move from compulsive behaviours to an experience of empowerment, where we can fully inhabit our bodies without shame.
Shamanic Connection:
In many shamanic traditions, sexuality is seen as an integral part of our connection to the earth. Through rituals and ceremonies, we reconnect with our primal essence and tap into the healing rhythms of nature. This earth-based connection helps us feel safe, grounded, and part of something much bigger than ourselves. It’s through this connection that we can heal, not just emotionally or mentally, but spiritually, realigning ourselves with the natural world’s wisdom.
Why This Integrated Approach Matters
True healing from sex addiction is not about abstinence or seeing ourselves as broken—it’s about understanding and healing the deeper causes of our behaviours. Rather than seeing sex as something to avoid, we embrace it as a powerful tool for healing, a tool that helps us reconnect with our bodies, our desires, and our lives. This integrated approach—blending cognitive, somatic, energetic, and spiritual practices—invites us to heal from the inside out, reconnecting with our true selves and our sexuality in ways that feel empowering, affirming, and life-affirming.
The goal is not to avoid sex or shame it but to integrate it into our healing journey. Sex can be an incredibly potent tool for healing when used consciously and intentionally. It’s not about giving up something fundamental to who we are—it’s about learning how to engage with our sexuality in a way that honours our healing and helps us rediscover our wholeness.
Taking the Journey Together
Healing from sex addiction, trauma, and the complexities of sexuality is a deeply personal and transformative journey. It’s one that doesn’t have to be walked alone. If you’ve found yourself struggling with feelings of confusion, shame, or disconnection, know that there is hope. There is a way forward—a path that honours you, your journey, and your wisdom.
I invite you to take this journey with me. Together, we will explore the layers of your experience—your mind, body, spirit, and desires—to uncover the root causes of your pain and begin the process of healing and transformation. I’m here to support you in reconnecting with your true self, embracing your sexuality as a powerful tool for healing, and rediscovering joy and pleasure.
You don’t have to be defined by trauma or addiction. You can heal, thrive, and reclaim your body and your life. If you’re ready to begin this journey, I’m here to walk with you every step of the way. Let's connect.
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